On Me Being Female in India, Hyderabad

Dear, 

I'm tired of being stereotyped 'tom boy', 'sexy', 'pink' or whatever, cast aside, not being taken seriously. 

I am an Economics student and I don't like the way all the domestic labour that women contribute to, day in and day out goes unrecognized in every Statistic. 

I do not like little girls being told not to swing their legs, not to sit comfortable, not to play around with boys, or to run, jump or anything. 

Earrings... the alleys in my home town that my brother and me walked through to get my customary ear piercing done.. it was like yesterday, I told myself that it was just like an injection and that if I was a brave girl, I'd get through it without crying... I was 4 or 5 years old back then... I still wonder what drives people to put such tender skin of the little girl they love so much through that unnecessary pain. Why not let the girl grow up and decide? (I did take them off later, but the marks just wouldn't fade.)

At 11, they took about half an hour to get me dressed for a cousin's wedding, I started crying. Because the more they dressed me, for some reason, I felt more depressed, they just kept trying to decide what jewellery to put on me.. And I felt like I was growing uglier by the minute. It was creepy, the way they stared and said 'No', try this one, again and again.
 I'm tired.

I'm vexed up of being expected to dress like a posy at any point of the day... I feel sick when someone tries to market me or any girl for that matter, to find a groom through dresses and jewellery or tell me how to act for it. 

I did not like the growing up phase. The menstruation, the pain, the physical and mental disadvantages. My mother always told me that I'll understand when I grow up and that motherhood is such a wonderful experience that it shall all make it worth it. I waited for it, with eager eyes, I thought that it was natural and that it would make me feel so loved. I grew into the age of maturity and realize that I don't want it. I just want to study without having to take a couple of years off for baby-sitting. I want to learn, explore the world and travel to places. I'd rather wish that I be spared the pains... 

I wish that I didn't have to go through the embarrassment in being objectified in the streets, the buses and a lot of other places. There were so many times when they'd call me names, I'd get hurt and angry, then my family's face would come to my mind, telling me of such situations and how to act in them... I've been told that the best retribution a girl can give a man is to ignore him, reacting to such an insult would just entertain him further. I didn't know what to do lots of times, and just walked away wishing the ground would just open up and swallow me or at least my cowardice. I remember coming home and dreaming up of the clever things I'd say to them, the way they do it in the empowered movies, or the karate kicks... the incidents repeated and I dreamed more.. 

I wish that in the first relationship that I ever had, my boy friend saw my capacities instead of the fair skin and sexuality and that I had not been blind to it. Physical attraction is no doubt quite flattering, but it's not enough. 

 I grew up seeing every grown up image of myself, all the women, being dominated. I desperately wanted to be a Cartoon girl... and my desperate search could only get me as far as Buttercup from the PPG. All the other Cartoon girls were like Olive from Popoye always falling into traps and calling out to the sailor man or they were just built to radiate sexuality. 

Then I read from books of all the historians, kings, warriors and scientists, taking vicarious pride in the achievements of those lone one or two women I could spot successfully. My idea of fun back then, was made up of wearing long saris, and walking like the models, cooking leaves in little bowls, bursting with joy the first time I smelt a lipstick, dreaming of having hair as long as the Rapunzel, which to deck a whole garden of flowers would be needed at my wedding. I remember wanting to look good, and to gain appreciation from every one's eyes this way. But the boys had been taught differently, if a boy dressed up, or wanted to look good, or even liked something as simple as cooking, he lost the acceptance. He is told to man up… to pursue things actively, and to make something out of himself more than a pretty face. 

I remember noticing the difference, because my parents hadn't been so. They didn't expect me to make a marriageable girl; they want to make a strong person out of me. While my father wanted intelligence, my mother wanted me to be brave. It was easy for me to contrast and see what was wrong with the world. But it isn't so for a lot of little girls, at a young age. It's just not right to have our boundaries determined before we learn to take our first step.

It is one thing for inequality to exist, and a whole new thing to act like it doesn't. I guess, this bothers me the most. The way my mother works at the office and manages all the household labour and still believes herself to be free, the way everyday in our neighborhood the women are loaded all the responsibility of child-care while the men get to enjoy economic freedom and name them after their families... it's not fair.

So well, I'm writing this blog to complain, to be heard, to listen to, to understand, discuss and possibly contribute back to what is important about gender from here. 

Love,

(For taking the time to scroll this far at least)

Sindhu.